Cherokee Sage Woman

I am almost finished w/ the Jane Fonda autobio, 'My Life So Far'.. & I'm loving it all. I grew up (granted, a belated gowing up period; I was too busy having babies to grow up until my late 20's).. but I grew up emulating my heroine Jane. We shared the same birthday for one thing, so I understood her fiery passions, & dealt w/ her shared feelings of unworthiness & distance from loved ones. I even copied her infamous shag haircut of the '70's. And it was so cool, in a mellow mullet kind of way, that I may just resurrect the damned thing! Jane did all the dissident activist sorts of things that I would've loved to have done.. had I not been in a 4 point mental restraint of being married to a redneck, mom to 1/2 dozen kids, & a Sunday school teacher X5 classes per wk! You wanna talk dogma? I can meet your bid & raise you in spades. ;o) I had ole King James memorized. And used it for whatever purpose suited me, just as the far right is doing again today.
Back to fun w/ Jane. I wanted to speak like her & Jane Pauley.. so I worked at losing the OK drawl. Quite successfully I might add, until I've had a couple of drinks.. then it sneaks back up on me. Much like eating a big pot of ham & beans..

Jane discusses at length, her restrained & aloof relationship w/ her dad. They never knew quite how to reach out & connect w/ one another. He was at a total loss for being close to anyone or anything, other than his craft. And he never understood the angst she felt at his dismissal of her feelings & attempts to close the gap. When she would try to speak to him about wanting to have a true Father/Daughter relationship, he'd make light of it.. opening old wounds & creating new ones.
Daughters have such work to do w/ their fathers!
I was my Daddy's pet for the 1st 13 yrs of my existence. 2 sisters born after me, never got the attention that I did during that time. Then a funny thing happened.. puberty. And he dumped me like a cold potato. In hindsight, I know that he was freeing me up for male attention in other realms.. but I wish to God that the man had talked to me about it! Because forever after, my love relationship patterns were set by that chasm.
I knew better than to trust someone to love me unconditionally 'forever', because look at what Daddy did.. he left me. I'd be sure & break up w/ the guy 1st, so he didn't have the chance to do that number on me that Daddy did. I learned to cut & run when the going got rough, because that's what worked for Daddy.
I never heard him say 'I love you'.. I only recall being hugged once after the age of 10.. and yet, I know in my heart of hearts that this man loved me; I just have to look deep for it.
Perhaps that was his gift to me after all.. that I would search inside & discover my truths. Not trusting what is just said or demonstrated outwardly, but finding the true worth in how I feel about myself.
Jane Fonda found some closure w/ her dad while making 'On Golden Pond'. The words truly came from her own experience when she pleads w/ him, ' Why are you so mad at me? I just want to be your friend..' & he says to her, 'I just figured we never liked each other much.' He died 5 months after the making of that movie, & in ensuing conversations w/ his friends, she discovered that he was always talking to his cohorts about how wonderful she was. Go figure..
And in Ethel Thayer's wise words, we learn that forgiveness usually has to come from the children, because the parents are just too set into their own life struggles.

My father died in 1983, & I still miss him. By the way, I forgive you Daddy.. Happy Father's Day.