Cherokee Sage Woman

This weeks late-night jokes:
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"Hundreds of thousands of Gulf Coast families hoping to rebuild their homes using low-interest government loans are facing high rejection rates and widespread delays. Said President Bush, 'The what and the who?" --Tina Fey
"President Bush admitted that the United States went to war in Iraq based on bad intelligence. But he says knowing what we know now he would still do it again. So at least we're learning from our mistakes." --Jay Leno

"A congressional press secretary by the name of Thomas Springer was arrested for bank robbery. Guy's a congressional press secretary, police said he robbed at least 7 banks. Said he fell in with the wrong crowd. Yeah, Congress." --Jay Leno

"King Kong is so popular right now that there's talk he may run for governor of California." --David Letterman

"Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don't like the idea, while others hate it." --Conan O'Brien

"Several right-wing groups say they might boycott the Ford Motor Company because they continue to advertise in gay magazines. In a related story, most Americans plan to boycott Ford because they make Fords." --Conan O'Brien

"The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years." --David Letterman

"Already there have been reports of 1000 fake ballots in the Iraqi election. So it looks like another victory for Republicans." --David Letterman

"The only time more people voted in the Middle East [than did in Iraq's elections] was during Fallujah's Funniest Home Videos." --Conan O'Brien

"It will take up to two weeks to figure out who won this week's Iraqi elections. So far it looks like the dark-haired guy with the moustache." --Conan O'Brien

"Today they held the elections in Iraq, and the results are slowly coming in. The only thing we know, Al Gore lost again." --Jay Leno

"Now they can get you for jury duty, my friends. Welcome to democracy, b*#%!" --Jon Stewart, to Iraqi voters

"President Bush admitted that much of the intelligence that we went to war on was faulty. Well you can't blame the president for relying on faulty intelligence. It got him through college." --Jay Leno

"President Bush spoke today about the elections in Iraq. Bush admitted the elections won't be perfect. Well, luckily for him, they're not perfect over here, too. That's how he got elected." --Jay Leno

"Over in Iraq after you vote they paint your finger purple so you can't vote again. It's a flawless system. It works perfectly unless, of course, someone has paint remover." --Jay Leno

"The Iraqi elections -- oh my god, they're almost over, the polls are probably closing now, come on, Hassan Al-Tikriti bin Yossef! How many people you think wrote in Nader's name, just to goof around?" --Jon Stewart

"You know President Bush and his father have nicknames for each other? President Bush calls his father 41, because he was the 41st president, and his father calls him 43, because that's his approval rating." --Jay Leno

"It was so cold in Washington, Tom DeLay was wearing an extra layer of bribe money." --Jay Leno

"During an interview yesterday, President Bush said 'You can call me anything you want, but don't call me a racist.' Brian Williams responded: 'Whatever you want, Dumbass.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In a recent interview, President Bush said, this is a quote, 'I know a lot of people who are glad that we're in Iraq.' When asked who, the president said the leaders of North Korea and Iran." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush's approval ratings on the way up. They've gone up 5 points this week. You know what you call that? A Christmas miracle. He's now up to 42% favorable. President Bush said his goal was to get it up to 49% -- like it was on Election Day." --Jay Leno

"More Iraqis think things are going well in Iraq than Americans do. I guess they don't get the New York Times over there." --Jay Leno

"The price of heating has gone up so much that people are now asking Santa for coal in their stockings." --Jay Leno

"It's true, everybody is in the holiday spirit. Last night, Bill Clinton saw the 'Nutcracker.' Not the ballet, Hillary." --David Letterman

"Fox News' Bill O'Reilly has been at the forefront in defending Christmas, even though, until recently, Fox's own online store invited viewers to buy an 'O'Reilly Factor' holiday ornament for their holiday tree. In the war on Christmas, that's known as friendly fire. ... Legend has it every time you say 'Happy Holidays,' an angel gets AIDS." --Jon Stewart

"Say what you will about George Bush, but at least his interns are only licking the envelopes." --David Letterman, on Bush sending out 1.4 million Christmas cards

"Heating bills this winter are the highest they've been in five years, but President Bush has a plan to combat rising bills. It's called global warming." --Jay Leno

"Iraqi officials have imposed a nighttime curfew for the elections and I think that's a great idea, because if there's one thing the insurgents won't monkey with, it's a curfew." --David Letterman

"The Energy Department's Argon National Lab has determined that Beethoven died from lead poisoning. Now when did he die, 1827? And you thought you had to wait a long time for your lab results. Apparently, Beethoven was one of the first members of an HMO plan." --Jay Leno

"While speaking in North Carolina this week, President Bush said, the economy is strong, and the best is yet to come. Adding: Also, the war's going great, we don't torture people, I'm 11 feet tall, and if you don't believe me, you can ask my unicorn." --Tina Fey