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Sunday, February 26, 2006

Go ahead, laugh to keep from crying..

"President Bush has okayed a deal to let the government of Dubai control six of our major ports. Boy, first Dick Cheney shoots a guy in the face, now President Bush shoots himself in the foot." --Jay Leno
"We're turning our ports over to the Arabs. We can't even turn Iraq over to the Arabs. ... This is like putting Bill Clinton in charge at a Hooters, it's not a good idea." --Jay Leno

"Who better to manage a seaport than people who live in the desert?" --Jay Leno

"A firm owned by Dubai's government has purchased the rights to operate sea ports in six major American cities. A move the White House approved without telling Congress. Even worse, everyone found out about the sale from that Texas quail hunt rancher lady." --Jon Stewart

"The United Arab Emirates says we will get our ports back if we take Michael Jackson back." --David Letterman

"Having an Arab company keep an eye on your ports is like asking Courtney Love to keep an eye on your medicine cabinet. ... That's like telling Kirstie Alley to keep an eye on the buffet." --David Letterman

"George Bush now wants to end our dependency on foreign oil. Nice to see him nippin' that in the bud." --David Letterman

"Today was the big White House President's Day clearance sale -- all our ports must go, no offer refused, no enemy turned down, Crazy George is insane, come on down!" --Jay Leno

"The White House has given permission for a company owned by the government of Dubai to run six U.S. ports, including the Port of New York. Now Dubai was accused of supporting the September 11th attacks and was one of only three countries to support the Taliban. Now they're going to run the Port of New York. What's next, we'll put Mexico in charge of immigration? How about Dick Cheney in charge of gun safety? Courtney Love in charge of Olympic drug testing?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush now is apparently giving an Arab country control to American ports. Does that seem like a good idea? He's going to give control of American ports to an Arab country. If he keeps this up, people are going to start questioning his judgment." --David Letterman

"An Arab country in charge of ports. That’s like FEMA in charge of disaster relief. That's like Wayne Gretzky's wife in charge of your bank account. It's like Michael Jackson as your nanny." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney said today he's not sure he'll ever go hunting again. If he does decide to go hunting again, good luck finding anyone to go with him." --Jay Leno

"I do want to begin with an update on our Vice President, Dick Cheney. He didn't shoot anyone else, but he is a man a heartbeat away from both the presidency and one count of manslaughter." --Jon Stewart

"How powerful a man do you have to be to shoot a man in the face and have that person say, 'My bad'?" --Jon Stewart, on Harry Whittington's apology to Cheney

"Bush concluded his tour today with a visit to the Energy Department's National Renewable Energy Lab in Golden, Colorado. Funny story, actually, two weeks ago, 32 workers were laid off from the lab due to a budget shortfall. This weekend, Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman transferred $5 million to the lab restoring the workers' jobs just in time for the president's visit. Wow, if only the president would visit Ford." --Jon Stewart

"Hillary Clinton said today she finds the administration's refusal to level with the American people troubling, but she also finds it somewhat nostalgic." --Jay Leno

"More problems for the White House. Convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff said he met with President Bush almost a dozen times, contradicting the White House claims that Bush didn't know him. In President Bush's defense, it was pretty dark inside Abramoff's back pocket." --Jay Leno

"There's a new comic book where Batman goes after Osama Bin Laden. You thought radical Muslims hated cartoons before?" --Jay Leno

"Actually, one awkward moment today in Washington. During the 21-gun salute, Dick Cheney returned fire." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney is on vacation. He's out in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, and so far he has shot two skiers." --David Letterman

"Osama says 'the U.S. will never get me alive'. I think that's probably true. He is going to die of old age." --David Letterman

"In a newly released tape, Osama bin Laden says he won’t be captured alive and he’s not afraid of President Bush. He's terrified of Dick Cheney he's just not afraid of Bush." --Jay Leno

"In New Orleans, the Paris Casino reopened and officials are calling it a sign of progress. If you didn't lose your house before, you can now." --Jay Leno

"Last night I went out with a bunch of the guys and played the 'Dick Cheney Drinking Game' ... it's when you down a beer and then you take a shot at good old granddad." --Jay Leno

"Monday is President's Day and former President Bill Clinton is very excited. He is taking George Bush, Sr. to 'Hooters'. ... George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton have been spending more and more time together. Doesn't that seem like an unusual couple to you, honestly? Earlier today they went to go see that gay cowboy movie." --David Letterman
Comments:
This administration is so absurd you sort of just have to laugh, huh?
 
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