Cherokee Sage Woman

One last comment on the Fonda book. Humor me here.. the woman was my idol for so long. And only now am I discovering that we had the same fears, angsts, relationship malfunctions, & hair issues! I think we may've been twins separated at birth & 10 yrs.
Towards the end of the book, after she finally sees Turner in the light of day.. egads, what took her so long?.. she is finally freed up for self-discovery. She returns to her kids, her grand-kids (who Turner had kept at bay, because of his fears of abandonment & petty jealousies).. She 'falls in love with herself all over again'. Now how sweet is that?
I had the same task set in front of me when I lived in Kirksville, America. I was culturally stranded, emotionally absent, relationship jettisoned, & all around a really lonely girl. For 3 years I delved further & further inward until I could find that sad-eyed little 5 year old who had been stuffed aside for lo so many decades.
And when I found her, I communed with her; I asked her what she wanted for me.. for 'us'. And she just wanted me to remember what it was like to be in love with her (with 'us') again. The gauntlet was thrown!
I was in my own bedroom by this time (having left the marital bed before it was even made). So I surrounded the 2 of us.. Sandra/Sande with all the things we loved.. music/colors/books/knick-knacks. Then I went thru all my old photos & found all the ones where I was truly smiling (not faking it), & feeling Joy. If there was a man connected to my hip in it, I cut him off. I went to the store & bought the most lovely frames I could find. After all, they would be surrounding 'My Beloved'. I lovingly framed them & put them EVERYWHERE in my inner sanctum. On the walls, on furniture, leaned up on the floor, my room screamed 'I LOVE THIS WOMAN!' And watching myself smile in the photos, I discovered the smile on my current face. When my 'husband' would ask to come into the room for one thing or another (& I did require him to ASK), he would look around bewildered. I'm sure he wondered what narcisistic she-devil had entered into this person he thought he knew for 18 yrs.
But I needed that daily reminder that I could be happy again. That I was worthy of all good things. That 'Joy would return in the morning'. And it did.
As I became strong enough to leave the loveless marriage, because my inner Love had given me newfound verve & stamina for new life goals.. I walked away. Ok, I RAN away as quick as my new body would carry me. Falling in love with me had created the same endorphins as are experienced in any new relationship. Because of it, I exercised, ate well & lost 50#. I was the lean, mean, happy machine! And when I relocated to FL, I started to open the boxes with all the smiling pictures in it, prepared to put them all around me again. Only, it didn't feel right. I was 'whole' now & didn't need the reminder of happiness from the past.. I had Joy in every moment!

And one last interesting co-path walked w/ Fonda. She started out her spiritual walk in a christian charismatic church. She needed that experience for the literal 'high' that comes w/ that particular form of worship. It is addictive; this I know, I lived it. But then as she grew in her self-knowledge & seeking 'more', she outgrew those constrictive dogmatic 'rules'. She was chastized for her political outspokeness. She was manipulated & condemned by a patriarchal system of the christian church as it is today. And so she found herself moved by the metaphysical side of spirituality, & became a Universalist.. well I'll be dad-gummed. One smart cookie!
You Go Jane.. Run Jane Run.. preferably for public office.