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Thursday, June 09, 2005

End of the book..

One last comment on the Fonda book. Humor me here.. the woman was my idol for so long. And only now am I discovering that we had the same fears, angsts, relationship malfunctions, & hair issues! I think we may've been twins separated at birth & 10 yrs.
Towards the end of the book, after she finally sees Turner in the light of day.. egads, what took her so long?.. she is finally freed up for self-discovery. She returns to her kids, her grand-kids (who Turner had kept at bay, because of his fears of abandonment & petty jealousies).. She 'falls in love with herself all over again'. Now how sweet is that?
I had the same task set in front of me when I lived in Kirksville, America. I was culturally stranded, emotionally absent, relationship jettisoned, & all around a really lonely girl. For 3 years I delved further & further inward until I could find that sad-eyed little 5 year old who had been stuffed aside for lo so many decades.
And when I found her, I communed with her; I asked her what she wanted for me.. for 'us'. And she just wanted me to remember what it was like to be in love with her (with 'us') again. The gauntlet was thrown!
I was in my own bedroom by this time (having left the marital bed before it was even made). So I surrounded the 2 of us.. Sandra/Sande with all the things we loved.. music/colors/books/knick-knacks. Then I went thru all my old photos & found all the ones where I was truly smiling (not faking it), & feeling Joy. If there was a man connected to my hip in it, I cut him off. I went to the store & bought the most lovely frames I could find. After all, they would be surrounding 'My Beloved'. I lovingly framed them & put them EVERYWHERE in my inner sanctum. On the walls, on furniture, leaned up on the floor, my room screamed 'I LOVE THIS WOMAN!' And watching myself smile in the photos, I discovered the smile on my current face. When my 'husband' would ask to come into the room for one thing or another (& I did require him to ASK), he would look around bewildered. I'm sure he wondered what narcisistic she-devil had entered into this person he thought he knew for 18 yrs.
But I needed that daily reminder that I could be happy again. That I was worthy of all good things. That 'Joy would return in the morning'. And it did.
As I became strong enough to leave the loveless marriage, because my inner Love had given me newfound verve & stamina for new life goals.. I walked away. Ok, I RAN away as quick as my new body would carry me. Falling in love with me had created the same endorphins as are experienced in any new relationship. Because of it, I exercised, ate well & lost 50#. I was the lean, mean, happy machine! And when I relocated to FL, I started to open the boxes with all the smiling pictures in it, prepared to put them all around me again. Only, it didn't feel right. I was 'whole' now & didn't need the reminder of happiness from the past.. I had Joy in every moment!

And one last interesting co-path walked w/ Fonda. She started out her spiritual walk in a christian charismatic church. She needed that experience for the literal 'high' that comes w/ that particular form of worship. It is addictive; this I know, I lived it. But then as she grew in her self-knowledge & seeking 'more', she outgrew those constrictive dogmatic 'rules'. She was chastized for her political outspokeness. She was manipulated & condemned by a patriarchal system of the christian church as it is today. And so she found herself moved by the metaphysical side of spirituality, & became a Universalist.. well I'll be dad-gummed. One smart cookie!
You Go Jane.. Run Jane Run.. preferably for public office.
Comments:
What an amazing exercise! I remember the meditation you wrote for SpiritWorks where you continue to see yourself at different ages, but I really like the "happy" photo idea.

Glad you found a soulmate in Jane. Or, did she find a soulmate in you?
 
I saw a great interview w/ her on Larry King when her book came out. I am so glad to hear it's as good as I hoped it would be. I'll have to get it at the library.

What a wonderful journey for you of healing, that sounds like what the dr ordered for me. Can you imagine mickey freaking out over that, ha, who cares though.

I can't wait to R-U-N-O-F-T myself back to my little sancuary self.

The other day Mickey watching the passion of the christ, 'you really need to watch this'..
me "oh, no, that's ok, I liked the book better'.
mickey 'what book? there was a book about it?"

LOL! Of course I meant more about the gnostics, but he didn't know that nor would he even know the name of them.
 
Oh gawd.. I have no desire to watch 'SmackDown Jesus', aka 'Passion of the Christ'. Forget all that he taught.. just relish the gruesome death.. ugh! Good for you for not being one of the gladiators.
Oooooooo.. I think you SHOULD put up 1000 pics of yourself! This is your time to shine..
 
Okay, I'm sorry, but I had to laugh aloud at the "What book? There's a book about this" comment.

:)
 
Finding ones-self is so rewarding...but being able to refind ones-self later in life is a much harder thing to do..but also even more rewarding and my hat is off to you ma'am....good post Shuger..thanks for sharing.

Op~
 
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